


Gay or Virginian?

by smellslikecitrus



Series: Hamilton Memes [14]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Funny, Gay or European, Legally Blonde, M/M, One Shot, Song - Freeform, The Author Regrets Nothing, longest one yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 16:37:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11581986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smellslikecitrus/pseuds/smellslikecitrus
Summary: Jefferson wants Angelica's office seat, so he pisses her off by starting a rumor about him and Peggy, even though he and James are back together. Complicated, right?Alex and John get to the bottom of it.





	Gay or Virginian?

Alex was trying to defend his honorary sister, Peggy, to the rest of the office as Jefferson sat smugly in another room, oblivious. Angelica had thought that Jefferson had been flirting with her little sister, and to avoid the bloodshed, and to save Peggy from embarrassment, Alex took the case to prove that Jefferson was gay and not interested in women in the slightest. 

Apparently, Jefferson was trying to get Angelica in trouble so that he could get her desk: the one he wanted. Alex and John knew this, but no one else did, so Alex was more cemented in his idea to save Peggy’s reputation and get rid of the noxious rumor that she had been consorting with the real life devil Jefferson.

People knew he had dated James Madison for a while, but that didn’t rule out him being bisexual…

“There! Right there!” Alex was in the process of proving it to the office, “look at that tan, well tended skin, look at the killer shape he’s in!” Even with Jefferson being his Public Enemy Number One, Alex still had to admit that yes, Jefferson was the smallest… tiniest bit attractive. But he was not Alex’s type. No, Alex’s type was more… freckles. “Look at that slightly stubbly chin! Oh, please, he’s gay, totally gay!”

Henry Knox, who was visiting the office and his old friend, Washington, butted in, “I’m not about to celebrate; every trait could indicate a totally straight expatriate. This guy’s not gay, I say not gay!”

Lafayette, Eliza, Angelica, Maria, and even Peggy joined in with, “that is the elephant in the room. Well, is it relevant to assume that a man who wears perfume is automatically radically fae?”

John Laurens entered the conversation, “but look at his coiffed and crispy locks.”

Alex agreed with his boyfriend, “look at his silk translucent socks.” Everyone crowded around the window looking into the conference room where Jefferson was sitting, staring intently at his nails. He noticed and gave a smirk and a little sarcastic wave. The office immediately disbanded, and Alex growled out his dislike for the man.

Knox continued with his point, “there’s the eternal paradox. Look what we’re seein’…”

“What are we seein’?” challenged Hercules.

“Is he gay…” Knox seemed to be leading up to a point, but Alex didn’t care, and plunged along with his point, “of course he’s gay!”

“Or Virginian?” Knox finished with a slight smile. In the corner, Washington scowled a little. Why were people always picking on the Virginians? James’ face remained impassive, revealing nothing.

Alex glanced at Washington, but the rest of the office seemed to reach enlightenment, “ohhhh! Gay or Virginian? It’s hard to guarantee… Is he gay or Virginian?”

They all seemed to collectively look at Lafayette, and they grew slightly defensive, their French accent thickening a little. “Well, hey, don’t look at me,” they grumbled. They were French, not a mind reader.

Hercules barged in to save them, “you see, they bring their boys up different in those… charming… foreign(?) ports. They play peculiar sports!”

Peggy burst in with a grin, “in shiny shirts and tiny shorts!” She directed her mega-watt smile at Washington until he smiled back at her. Peggy was too endearing to stay mad at. “Gay or ‘foreign’ fella?” she teased, “the answer could take weeks! They will say things like, ‘hey, y’all!’ while they kiss you on both cheeks!” 

John burst out laughing at her line. _Nah, that’s just Thomas_ , he thought. “Oh please,” he giggled out. Thomas was so gay.

Eliza continued Peggy’s thought, “gay or Virginian? So many shades of gray!”

Lafayette burst in with a smirk, shooting their gaze teasingly at Hercules, “depending on the time of day, the French go either way…” Hercules just made a face and shook his head at them.

Eliza kept going, “is he gay or Virginian, or–” She was cut off by Angelica pointing at Thomas, trying to prove her point. Thomas made a kissy face at her, and she brushed it off, disgusted.

“There, right there! Look at that condescending smirk! Seen it on every guy at work!” Burr tried to protest but she cut him off, “that is a metro, hetro jerk! That guy’s not gay, I say, no way!”

Maria came in with her share, her fiancèe Eliza’s arm around her shoulders, “that is the elephant in the room. Well is it relevant to presume, that a hottie in that costume,” she gestured to Jefferson’s annoyingly over-the-top purple suit that he wore almost every goddamn day to work.

Alex started to finish her sentence, “is automatically, radically–”

He was cut off by Knox, “ironically, chronically–”

Hercules joined in with just to be obnoxious, “certainly, flirtingly–”

Lafayette, not to be outdone, chimed in with, “genetically, medically–”

They all said it, “gay, officially gay! Swishily gay, gay, gay, gay…”

Thomas chose that exact moment to snap a picture of his abs, with his shirt pulled up, and send it to someone that seemed to be a girl, a certain “Gem.” No one heard James’ phone go off, or the blush that spread on his face at he stared at an incriminating picture. No one but Alex even made the connection from “Gem” to “Jemmy,” a nickname that Thomas had called James earlier that morning.

“Damn it,” the office workers sighed their frustration, “gay or Virginian?” Alex tried to come up with a plan to expose Jefferson, pulling John aside to converse quietly with him.

“So stylish and relaxed!” observed Knox. Alex took a brief moment to glare at him for calling Jefferson’s lack of taste “stylish.”

“Gay or Virginian?” prompted Maria and Eliza.

“I think his chest is waxed,” mused Knox. James heard the comment and flushed even more. Alex raised his eyebrows and gestured to Madison in his explanation to John.

Hercules defended him, “but they bring their boys up different there, it’s culturally diverse, it’s not a fashion curse!”

“If he wears a kilt or bears a purse,” Angelica, Peggy, and Eliza said in unison. Hercules and Burr both looked offended at this statement, Hercules because he was Irish, (and may or may not have had a saffron kilt in his car) and Burr because “it’s a satchel!”

The Schuyler sisters pondered on, “gay or just exotic? I still can’t crack the code!”

Peggy alone said, “yeah, his accent is hypnotic, but his shoes are pointy toed.”

“Huh. Gay or Virginian? So many shades of gray!”

The new employee, Kitty Livingston, who still probably had not been around Thomas long enough to know what he was really like, said flirtatiously, “but if he turns out straight, I’m free at eight on Saturday!” Everyone else glared at her, James included.

“Is he gay or Virginian? Gay or Virginian? Gay or Virg–” Eliza, Angelica, and Lafayette’s chanting were cut off by John coming to stand by them.

“Wait a minute! Give me a chance to crack this guy. We have an idea we’d like to try.” 

“The floor is yours,” said Knox, holding the door open for John. John blew a kiss to Alex before walking into “The Room of Satan,” as Alex so eloquently dubbed it.

“So, _Mr. Jefferson_ , this alleged affair with Ms. Schuyler has been going on for…?” John started carefully.

Jefferson, aware he was being interrogated, and apparently having a death wish due to how much he was enjoying Angelica and now even Eliza and Maria glare at him, replied slyly, “two months.” Peggy gaped, scandalized. As if she would even _think_ of _going near_ that smelly, purple man.

“And your first name again is…?” John continued smoothly.

Jefferson rolled his eyes, “Thomas.”

“And your boyfriend’s name is…?”

“James.”

Silence. Everyone turned around to find James gone, probably hiding in the bathroom and waiting out the shitshow of everyone finding out he was dating Thomas again.

“I–I’m sorry! I– misunderstand!” stuttered Jefferson.

James emerged from the bathroom once he heard the sound of speaking, not rioting.

“You said ‘boyfriend,’ I thought you said ‘best friend!’ James is my best friend,” Thomas drawled.

James, not having any of Jefferson’s bullshit and sick of him pissing off the Schuylers, not to mention denying their relationship, gasped in a way meant to draw attention to himself. In a way unlike himself, he marched to stand before the door, “you bastard! You lying bastard!” 

Thomas gave him a quizzical look, _what are you doing?_ his expression said. James slightly shook his head and gave him a stern look, _we’ll talk about this later_.

“That’s it, I’m not covering for you anymore! People, I have a big announcement! This man is gay AND Virginian!” James declared, purposely making his southern accent more pronounced.

“Whoa!” gasped Angelica, shocked not that Thomas was gay and Virginian, but that James and Thomas were back together. Despite her being mad at him now, and him trying to take her desk that had the strategic position of being closest to the door, they were actually pretty good friends. She was surprised he hadn’t told her of his news.

John quickly walked out of the room, allowing James to go in to meet his boyfriend, and sat down next to Alex who was cackling evilly. James was saying something to Thomas, “and neither is a disgrace! You gotta stop your bein’ a completely closet case!” he gently teased him.

He projected his voice so the others could hear him, and drove the point home with, “it’s me, not her he’s seeing! No matter what he says, I swear he never ever, ever swing the other way! You are so gay, you big parfait! You flaming one man cabaret,” he added in, shoving his boyfriend lightly.

Thomas, embarrassed, turned his head into James’ shoulder and mumbled jokingly, “I’m straight…”

“You were not yesterday ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). So if I may, I’m proud to say, he’s gay!”

“And Virginian!” chanted the Schuylers.

“He’s gay!” repeated Alex.

“And Virginian!” said Lafayette and Hercules.

“He’s gay!” exclaimed John.

“And Virginian! And gay!” Kitty, Knox, and even Burr, who hadn’t really said anything up until then, said.

“Fine, okay, I’m gay!” admitted Thomas.

Alex let out a tiny little sound of “hooray!” before everyone went back to their desks and work, the drama now over and done with.

It was all very anticlimactic.

**Author's Note:**

> ik im doing a lot of Jefferson things lately but hear me out;;;;
> 
> It’s fun.
> 
> He’s just so fun to write, and he fits all the characters I’m writing?!
> 
> Ok thanks for reading!!! You guys are so great!!!!!!!
> 
> Leave a suggestion or request if you have one:)
> 
>  
> 
> \--also, yes Alex is an honorary Schuyler sister


End file.
